Charles Dickens, Bleak House: Ch. 51

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How selfish I must have been not to have thought of this before!  I don't know what I said now.  I was so sorry, and yet I was so fond of them and so glad that they were fond of me; I pitied them so much, and yet I felt a kind of pride in their loving one another.  I never had experienced such painful and pleasurable emotion at one time, and in my own heart I did not know which predominated.  But I was not there to darken their way; I did not do that.

When I was less foolish and more composed, my darling took her wedding-ring from her bosom, and kissed it, and put it on.  Then I remembered last night and told Richard that ever since her marriage she had worn it at night when there was no one to see.  Then Ada blushingly asked me how did I know that, my dear.  Then I told Ada how I had seen her hand concealed under her pillow and had little thought why, my dear.  Then they began telling me how it was all over again, and I began to be sorry and glad again, and foolish again, and to hide my plain old face as much as I could lest I should put them out of heart.

Thus the time went on until it became necessary for me to think of returning.  When that time arrived it was the worst of all, for then my darling completely broke down.  She clung round my neck, calling me by every dear name she could think of and saying what should she do without me!  Nor was Richard much better; and as for me, I should have been the worst of the three if I had not severely said to myself, "Now Esther, if you do, I'll never speak to you again!"

"Why, I declare," said I, "I never saw such a wife.  I don't think she loves her husband at all.  Here, Richard, take my child, for goodness' sake."  But I held her tight all the while, and could have wept over her I don't know how long.

"I give this dear young couple notice," said I, "that I am only going away to come back to-morrow and that I shall be always coming backwards and forwards until Symond's Inn is tired of the sight of me.  So I shall not say good-bye, Richard.  For what would be the use of that, you know, when I am coming back so soon!"

I had given my darling to him now, and I meant to go; but I lingered for one more look of the precious face which it seemed to rive my heart to turn from.

So I said (in a merry, bustling manner) that unless they gave me some encouragement to come back, I was not sure that I could take that liberty, upon which my dear girl looked up, faintly smiling through her tears, and I folded her lovely face between my hands, and gave it one last kiss, and laughed, and ran away.

And when I got downstairs, oh, how I cried!  It almost seemed to me that I had lost my Ada for ever.  I was so lonely and so blank without her, and it was so desolate to be going home with no hope of seeing her there, that I could get no comfort for a little while as I walked up and down in a dim corner sobbing and crying.

I came to myself by and by, after a little scolding, and took a coach home.  The poor boy whom I had found at St. Albans had reappeared a short time before and was lying at the point of death; indeed, was then dead, though I did not know it.  My guardian had gone out to inquire about him and did not return to dinner.  Being quite alone, I cried a little again, though on the whole I don't think I behaved so very, very ill.

It was only natural that I should not be quite accustomed to the loss of my darling yet.  Three or four hours were not a long time after years.  But my mind dwelt so much upon the uncongenial scene in which I had left her, and I pictured it as such an overshadowed stony-hearted one, and I so longed to be near her and taking some sort of care of her, that I determined to go back in the evening only to look up at her windows.